to be or not to be?

Salam wrb,

I sat heavily on the bench in 1H sighing in despair for my inability to hold their attention. I looked at the kids: some were running, playing, hitting each other, shouting. Oh I couldn't bear the noise yet I do not know what to do. While looking around, I caught Fairoul looking at me. He saw me looking at him. Then he tried to copy me. He put his hand under his chin and gave me a smile. That was when my heart melt. When I saw him doing that, I knew he hoped that teacher is able to teach us something instead of being a monster. I quickly stood up to walk around the class and reprimanded those who are not focusing or too busy playing. I walked to the blackboard trying to resume my lesson.

The class was quiet for twenty seconds.

And they were already off task. I have forgotten the look that Fairoul gave and started to be mean again.

I hate myself when I am in class.

Maybe teaching isn't what I'm supposed to do.. but what's next?

I'm too tired of yelling, scolding and punishing. I always walk out of class feeling tired. I always walk out with disappointment of how the lesson went.

I hope I'll be a better teacher next year.
Praying hard for it.